I just put $20 of gas in the car. All it did was go from a lowercase ‘e’ to an uppercase ‘E’.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
The gender-neutral term for ‘Sugar Daddy’ is ‘Glucose Guardian’.
Gas prices are making everyone feel like they’re on probation-drive straight to work and straight home.
For the record, I correct autocorrect more than autocorrect corrects me!
GENIE: I grant you 10 wishes. ME: Isn’t it usually just 3? GENIE: Yes, but you’ve got a lot of issues going on here.
FRIEND: Have you heard of Murphy’s law? ME: Sure, if there’s a chance something will go wrong, it goes wrong. FRIEND: Have you heard of Cole’s law? ME: No. FRIEND: It’s thinly slice cabbage in a dressing.
As much as Pooh missed Piglet, he had to admit, he really enjoyed that pulled pork sandwich.
In a world where you can be anything, be the person that ends meetings early.
Jet Blue is making a bid for a hostile takeover of Spirit Airlines. That’s what I want-being flown around by disgruntled employees
They say if you aren’t paying $5 a gallon for gas yet, you soon will be. I had this great idea for a way to raise money so I can fill up my tank: Go-Fuel-Me!
I’m going to put an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Before you try to hurt my feelings, keep in mind that I don’t have any and you probably do.
I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe… and maybe blink.
A new study says that having more than two kids is bad for your brain. What’s the old saying? “Insanity is hereditary. Parents get it from their kids.”
The good news-there’s a guy who says he has a ton of baby formula. The bad news-it’s Waldo.
At this point, if I get abducted by aliens, it’s no longer considered an abduction. It’s a rescue mission.
Sometimes, late at night, I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the nosey neighbors guessing.
Watching Pixar’s “Soul” with my nephew when the scene came up with the unborn souls in the “great before” and my nephew said, “I remember that!” I said, “You do?” He replied, “Yeah, it was in the trailer.”